How did it feel to hold your baby for the first time?
So unreal. I remember feeling like I didn't know how to hold him. He was so slippery!
The Birth of Vance William Kremer
The week leading of Christmas I had been having some Braxton Hicks off and on the days before Christmas Eve. They just felt like strong tightening - I told David that my uterus was just prepping itself for the baby. On Christmas Eve, David and I went over to the family’s house to hang out and see the Grandparents. I had been wanting to go on a walk because anytime I was on my feet I would feel intense pressure on my cervix from the baby. He was so low and had been for weeks. Dad agreed to go on a walk with me and get some coffee. We walked into downtown Milwaukie and found a coffee shop that was open! It felt really good to walk and “get things moving”.
At around 5 pm we sat down to eat dinner. About halfway through dinner, I felt a bunch of wetness coming out of me. I discreetly got up to use the bathroom, and sure enough water was just coming out of me; like a lot. I always wondered how I would know if my water actually broke, but oh boy I sure knew. I quickly left the bathroom and announced to the whole family: “I think my water broke!” Mom screamed, started skipping around and everyone else got all excited. My little brother Johnny was grossed out and Dad just kept nervously laughing. Mom quickly got me a change of clothes and a big pad. I felt so awkward and shaky. I threw the rest of my dinner away. I couldn’t eat; I was too excited.
Mom and Grandma talked to me for a while and encouraged me that this was the way their first babies were born too, and that labor should get going. I knew that since I hadn’t had any contractions yet, it still could be a while but at least I knew THE BABY WAS COMING. I had decided that I would wait 24 hours, at least, to see if labor started on it’s own. I was not about to go into the hospital to get things going. I wanted him to just naturally come.
David and I decided we probably should go home. We were going to go to a Christmas Eve service that night, but I didn’t really want to be leaking the whole time, so we stayed home and made sure our house was in order. We had just discovered mold that day, so David went to town scrubbing it off the wall in our bedroom and helped gather all the things we needed. Around 6:30 pm, the contractions began to come in. They were pretty frequent, but more exciting than painful. They were about 30 - 40 seconds long, around 6 minutes apart.
At 8:00 pm, my sister Rachel and her husband came to get our spare keys and watched me work through contractions. At this point, they were a lot more painful and a little longer. I would take a deep breath and squat while it was happening and then stand back up when it was over. Rachel was pretty excited to watch me work through them and kept commenting on how relaxed and great I was doing. That was super encouraging to me of course.
At 9:00 pm, my entire family had planned on coming over to open some gifts, but by that point I started active labor and was in no mood for the whole family to stop by. I told mom and my sister Abigail that they could come in the house briefly since they had picked up some green grapes for me because I just KNEW I wanted those in labor. When Abigail and mom came by, I was now laying down on the carpet. I was moving into more deep relaxing and actually had to focus and breathe through each contraction. This is when we actually started timing the contractions consistently. Earlier, I told David we didn’t need to as I didn’t want to take labor too seriously yet. At this point the contractions were 45 - 60 seconds long and still 5 - 6 minutes apart. Mom and Abigail watched me work through some. Mom commented on how great David was doing coaching me and how relaxed I was. After they left, I knew it was time for me to lay down on the bed. I used my pregnancy body pillow and let my body sink into the bed and pillow. I put on my eye mask to create darkness so I could focus. David got me water, some applesauce, cottage cheese and grapes. Our birth instructor had encouraged us to try to eat and stay hydrated during labor so that my energy would be sustained throughout the entire labor.
Time continued to fly by as I labored through each contraction, completely relaxing and allowing my body to work through each contraction. David continued to coach me and praise me through each contraction. All I wanted was to hear his voice during the entire contraction. Each time I thought it was getting really hard, it would slowly taper off and then I would get that break. I lived for those brief few minutes between each contraction. The pain was intense, but not unbearable. In fact, I had a conscious choice to either let the contractions fully happen or try to fight them. Relaxing meant that they felt more intense and long, but I knew that was best. I would take a deep breath and when I exhaled I would sing a soft tune. It helped me focus on the tune versus the pain. I had bouts of nausea as they got more intense, but thankfully was able to fight off the need to throw up as that was the last thing I wanted to do.
By 10:45 pm, David called our birth instructor Susan to have her listen to a few of my contractions and help us time them. We had taken a 12-week course on the Bradley Method and she offered to help however she could when we were in labor. So of course we wanted to call her and let her know we were in labor and see what her thoughts were on how we were progressing. She was on the phone with us for 40 minutes, listening to contractions and encouraging David and I. I remember telling her that it was getting hard and she just kept encouraging me at how relaxed I was and how good I was doing. She definitely affirmed that I was more of a speedster as my contractions kept progressing quickly and getting closer and closer together. She told us to call her back around 12:30/1:00 am and she would then listen again and time them and see how much we had progressed.
We decided to hold out and call her at 2:00 am. By that time, contractions were 3 to 4 minutes apart and super close together. At times the length of one contraction was 2 minutes. They were getting so intense where one contraction would end and then roll into a new one. At first, Susan said we should go to the hospital in an hour, but then decided to listen to a few more. Then all of a sudden the contractions rolled into 2 - 3 minutes apart. She then said: “You should go now.” She told David that she would stay on the phone with me while he put all the bags in the car. I hated those moments. Susan was coaching me through the contractions, but all I wanted was David’s touch and his voice. It was nowhere near the same listening to her voice over the phone. Those few contractions were so hard and I didn’t know if I could keep going. (This is what Susan told us is the “self-doubt” phase which means PUSHING STAGE is coming.) Susan later told me that the last few contractions she had listened to were pushing contractions. She said she had never heard someone be able to relax so well through a pushing contraction. That was so encouraging! I must’ve been super relaxed.
Now it was 2:50 am and it was time to get into the car. This was the hardest. I had to get off the bed and walk to the car. I went through 5 contractions just in-between my room and the car. David got me into the car and I leaned the seat back. I was in so much pain and quite uncomfortable. I asked David if when we got to the hospital, maybe I could take a small pain med to “take the edge off”, but not the epidural. He encouraged me to just wait and see once we got there. We had a 20 minute drive to the hospital. Probably the most painful and crazy time. Half-way through our drive, I told David I had to PUSH. The need to push became more and more strong. So I pushed, because when you need to you can’t hold it back and shouldn’t. I remember clearly thinking: “My pants are on. What happens if he is born in the car? Am I supposed to take my pants off?” David called the hospital on the way and told them we were coming and I needed to push. At first, the nurse didn’t think much of it until they heard me on the phone and realized how it was true. They told us they would meet us right outside the door with a wheelchair. As the contractions became so close, instead of exhaling a soft tune sound, I began to make a high pitch vibrato sound. So funny to think about now, but I remember distinctly how I began to sing vibrato because I could tell the end was near!
We pull into the hospital entrance and David says: “Hey Anna, I am so sorry but can you help me? I don’t know where to go.” I remember thinking: “How could he not remember? I told him to make SURE he knew where Labor and Delivery was.” I opened my eyes (this whole time I am still wearing my eye mask) and tried to focus. I saw the sign and just pointed him in the right direction.
We pull up to Labor and Delivery. I didn’t think I could get out of the car. My legs felt limp and I had to push. Then the best thing happened: the midwife I had been meeting with for all my prenatal appointments was there. I heard her voice and I immediately became so calm. I thanked Jesus over and over. Let’s just say that that was so unlikely. There are over 40 Certified Nurse Midwives that work for the hospital, and the one midwife that I had met with regularly just happened to be working that night. It was perfect. She already knew our birth plan, so we didn’t have to tell her any of our thoughts/desires.
Our birth instructor had told us that usually once you get to the hospital, due to adrenaline/anxiousness, often things will slow down and then start to progress again once you are settled in the bed. So I kept thinking: “Okay, maybe things will chill out for a second so I can relax for a little.” That was so not the case. Things just kept progressing and the baby just really wasn’t waiting. They wheeled me into the room and I climbed onto the bed. I took my eye mask off real briefly just to position myself on the bed and then put it right back on. I was in the zone and no one was going to stop me.
I positioned myself on all fours; for some reason that was the way I wanted to push. In our classes, we learned how the squatting position was the best pushing position, but I had no desire. For some reason I wanted to be on my hands and knees. As soon as I was positioned, I told my midwife I had to push. She asked if she could check me just to make sure. I remember thinking how silly that would be because I KNEW I needed to push. She checked and said: “Oh yeah. You can totally push.” She encouraged me to just push whenever I needed to and just let me do the work.
It felt so good to push. I kept laughing and telling everyone how much I LOVED the pushing stage. Each time I pushed it was like less and less pressure was felt; more relief was happening. At one point, our midwife declared that the baby’s heart-rate had dropped to 80. She was super concerned. That was pretty scary. Our midwife said she was thinking we may need to vacuum the baby out. That was so scary to me as I really wanted to push him out, but I told her I trusted her. She called an OB to come and see what she thought. Before the OB arrived, I asked David to please pray for the baby. I remember praying in my head too. I just wanted him to be okay and I really didn’t want him to be vacuumed. As David was praying, the heart-rate went way back up again. The OB came in the room and declared that everything was fine and there was no need to use a vacuum. I breathed a sigh of relief and then just focused on pushing.
Due to the brief scare, I began to push HARD. I just wanted him to come out. I remember pushing so hard to where I would lose my breath. I would then take a deep breath, re-focus and push again. I began to feel the baby’s head come out. My midwife asked if I wanted to feel the baby’s head, but I said “No, I just want to focus on pushing him out.” Due mainly to the scare as of his heart-rate dropping, I felt as though I lost control. I didn’t remember what I had learned in class; more like I didn’t know how to use the tools I had learned. So I just pushed. I think I pushed even when the contractions weren’t that strong. I began to make a lot of noise as that helped me. I remember apologizing for being “so dramatic”, but I couldn’t help it. And then as the baby was coming out, I tore. I remember screaming out in pain as I felt myself tearing. I knew it was happening, but I couldn’t stop the pushing. It was SO painful but I knew the baby was coming. And then like that, he was out. At 3:52 am, he just slipped right out. From us arriving at the hospital to him being born, was about 40 minutes. He came FAST.
They quickly turned me around onto my back and put the baby on my chest. It was so weird. I remember noticing how he was beautiful from the beginning. No weird cone-shaped head or bruising. Some blood on him, but barely any. He also was not covered in any vernix which was surprising as he was early. I remember not being sure how to hold him as he was wet, slimy and so wobbly. But he was HERE. It was so amazing. I did it! We were in awe of this baby and that he was able to FIT in me. So weird. It felt funny that the umbilical cord was still inside of me as it kept tickling me as I would position the baby on me.
Then the placenta came out. People always told me how it was so painful and sometimes it could take a while for the placenta to come out. I pushed twice, it came out almost all the way. Then I couldn’t push anymore, so my midwife just gently twisted it a little and it slipped on out. Such a large piece of flesh; it looked so weird but was perfectly healthy. It was pretty amazing to see. Sometime before or after the placenta came out, David cut the umbilical cord. We wanted to wait until it stopped pulsing before cutting it.
Now it was time for me to be stitched up. I had tore in 2 places (one near the rectum and the other near my clitoris/urethra). The upper tear was the most painful as it was in one of the most sensitive areas. For 45 minutes as I was stitched up I cried, held the baby and kissed him and David the entire time. My midwife offered me an epidural for the pain, but I declined. I just cried and kept kissing David which helped a lot. I would say that being stitched up was the most painful part of labor and that was the part of labor I had never considered much. I just didn’t think about tearing and the postpartum pain that could result. I also know that the pushing stage ended up being more intense because of being told his heart-rate had dropped. Because we had the fetal monitoring, I should’ve expected that to happen. We had learned in the Bradley classes that there can be definite up and down fluctuations of the heart-rate during the pushing stage. I just forgot that part of the class I had learned because I was so caught up in the moment. I also did not want them to vacuum him out, so I pushed even harder which was hard on my body. But again, the joy of having your baby healthy and with you made it worth it.
That was it. We did it. David was the best coach possible and I couldn’t have done it without him. We were able to do it naturally without pain meds thanks to the awesome classes we had and David’s assistance in helping me reach deep relaxation during contractions. I wore my eye mask the entire time in labor until the baby came out which helped me focus completely on what I needed to do without being distracted by those around me. We didn’t have a name for our son yet, but knew we would have one after spending 24 hours with him. We named him Vance William Kremer and he is perfect. Our Christmas miracle.